[birds twittering]
[wind whistling]
[punk rock music plays]
[music stops]
[Hannah on tape] Okay, are you recording?
-[Charlie on tape] Yeah. Okay, uh, hi, this is Chuckie. -And Hannah.
[Charlie] And we're here today to put on record that we're getting married!
-[Hannah] Chuckie, that's not what I said. -[Charlie] What we agreed--
-[Hannah] We promised! -[Charlie] Yeah, yeah, promised that if neither of us
are married by the time we're 30 years old--
-[Hannah] We will marry each other. -[Charlie] Yeah!
[Hannah] I'm gonna hold you to this when you're a famous rock star.
-[Charlie] You better, you'll come with me on the road. -[Hannah] Maybe.
♪ Jesus rides a UFO, U-U-UFO
♪ So the Bible tells me so
♪ Don't you wanna go?
♪ Well, David rides a UFO, U-U-UFO ♪
♪ So the Bible tells me so
♪ Don't you wanna go?
♪ Open up your mind and let the wind in, wind in, wind in ♪
♪ I said let's go
♪ Jesus rides a UFO, U-U-UFO
♪ So the Bible tells me so
♪ Don't you wanna go?
-[engine stops] -[music stops]
[engine starts]
♪ Open up your mind and let the wind in, wind in, wind in ♪
♪ Let's go
♪
Charlie?
Oh, hey.
Yeah.
Curls, okay, really extend it so it doesn't get sore.
Okay.
And we're good. [chuckling]
Um, funny, I'm just bringing this up again, sorry,
but, um, the coupon that you had was for one free session?
-Oh. -This is session number seven.
Oh, uh, I'm sorry, but with the divorce and all, I just forgot.
No, it's fine, I mean, you're going through a divorce.
-I know, just, next time, maybe. -I promise, really.
-Okay. -Okay.
Charlie.
The promotion was a one-time offer
to get new clients into the gym.
Yeah.
[sighs]
Corporate has also expressed concern
over your before and after pictures not being as...
inspirational now that you're back to before.
Fair-- fair point, but listen, man.
I went through a break-up, okay?
We've all been there, and it was hard, man.
Michelle and I breaking up was really hard on me.
That was two years ago, man.
You dated for five months.
Seven months, okay, and it was holiday season.
That counts-- that's like double.
[sighs]
Ah, don't get too impressed.
-How's it goin'? -Good.
-You coming over tonight? -Oh, I can't.
-Why not? -Getting a spray tan.
All right, essential stuff.
Maybe this weekend?
I can't.
'Cause I'm goin' back home.
My brother had a kid.
-You have a brother? -Yeah, I do.
Cool.
[instrumental punk music playing]
Hi, sorry I'm a little late.
Charlie Cates.
So, let's see.
Reading for gamer number four.
Um, I thought it was like main gamer.
Principle gamer, it said.
Uh, just have a seat and they'll call you in soon.
All right, cool. I'll use this.
-Side, yes. -Side,
'cause you know, there's only like two lines.
That's fine.
It's fine.
♪
Bruce.
Hey, man.
Can you give me a ride to the bus station tomorrow?
♪
[instrumental punk music playing]
Oh.
Honk.
Oh, hey, baby.
Oh, Miranda.
[tuning]
Hmm.
[rock music playing]
So, how old did you say you are?
Oh, I'm 30.
Really, oh.
I thought you were much younger than that.
Oh, why thank you. [chuckling]
Oh, like in a bad--
Wait, I'm sorry, aren't you 37?
I mean, yeah, but, you know?
Well, you know,
women live like 10 years longer than men,
so we're fine.
-Okay. -Cool.
[laughing]
[Charlie] No way.
[laughing] Come here.
[Charlie] Wow.
Wow, hey, baby mama.
Oh, hi Charlie.
Hi, baby. Oh, can I...?
-Of course. -Of course you can.
Oh my God, she's-- you're beautiful.
You look like you're getting a little shorter.
He's just losing some muscle mass, I think.
-Chicken. -That's good.
Thank you.
Oh, um, here.
[Waiter] Okay, thank you.
Uh, you know, I usually wait to tip...
until we get the bill.
Oh, well, you know, different strokes.
I'm sorry.
I'm gonna eat you, I gonna eat you!
Wow, she is way better-looking than both of you.
-Really? -[laughing]
-Can I touch her, is that okay? -Of course.
So, um, what brings you back to Modesto?
Uh, well.
I, uh, got divorced.
And I just thought it'd be nice
to spend some time with family, you know,
hang out with my mom.
[Man] Oh, I... I didn't know you were divorced.
Is that a problem? Your voice went up.
I mean, no.
[Waitress] Thank you guys so much.
No rush on this, take your time.
Oh no, I got it. Stop it, quit!
I got this, I insist.
-Here, take it, thank you so much. -[Waitress] Thank you.
♪
-Hey. -Hey.
Whoa, easy there, Swiper McSwiperson.
Listen, I'm gonna need you to put 65 on this card, all right?
-Okay. -And 80 on this.
-Okay. -Nope, not done yet.
100. No more than 100 on this, please.
-[Waitress] Okay. -Thank you so--
-So you wanted three separate cards for one check? -I wanted, yes, I do.
[train horn blowing]
-[Claire] Shit! Shit! -[Man] What the fuck?
I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry! I didn't see anything.
[Claire] No, go out the bathroom window! Go out the bathroom window!
Oh my...
I am so sick of having to share a room with you.
Well, you know, sweetie, it's my room, so.
Was.
[sighing]
You know, when I was you age, I used to sneak a boy in, too.
Dougie.
Hey.
Look.
Look at me.
If you ever have any questions, I'm here to answer.
Yeah, I have the fucking Internet.
Yes, I know.
But if your boyfriend is not--
He's not my boyfriend.
Okay, if the gentlemen who you were just straddling,
if he's not satisfying you in like a...
-Like, do you have orgasms? -Oh my God.
[Hannah] Do you have those?
-Yeah. -Oh.
Okay, great, that's amazing.
That's great.
-Um... -I mean...
I think so.
No, it's not something you think.
You just know.
How do you know I would know?
Look.
When I was 18, my friends bought me a little friend.
Um, and...
Okay, this guy.
This... This is a vibrator.
Um...
Oh, my God.
Look, I know it's weird, but...
Most boys think that all the action's inside,
and really it's on top.
Have you ever heard of the clitoris?
-It's a... -Yeah, I've heard of the clitoris.
Okay, that's great.
Most teenage boys do not know about the clitoris.
Yeah, actually, I think most guys do know what a clitoris is.
I really doubt that.
Are they still doing the...
Yeah.
Really?
Yeah.
That's crazy.
I mean, just so much has changed in the world
and like, teenage boys are just all the same.
Um, okay.
This is-- Look, it's gonna be weird for me, too.
We never have to talk about this again.
I'm just going to give you a little bit
of instruction and that's it.
So, this guy.
Um, is-- they come in many different--
You can choose your own preferred shape.
Um...
And you just, you put it like on--
Don't worry, I'm not gonna show you my vagina.
But you put it sort of on top.
Okay, but what about a vaginal orgasm?
Oh God, that's just like some misogynistic thing
that men made up to convince themselves
that their girlfriends aren't faking it.
-[scoffing] -No, it's not.
No, really, it's like something you see in movies.
-It's not like in real life. -No, no, no it's not.
My friend Amber has both kinds.
She says they feel different.
Really?
Yeah.
Oh, well.
Anyway, I just, I get the one kind the on-- the on top kind.
Maybe there's something wrong with you.
So, anyway, lesson over.
But in case you want me to get you one, I will.
-And-- -No, that's okay.
Yeah, okay.
You can just remain orgasmless.
Good luck.
[train horn blaring]
-Oh! -I fucking told you. Why do you always--
Hey, Matt, can I ask you something?
Why did you name your kid Barry?
-Okay. -She's a little girl.
The thing is now, boys' are girls' names,
girls' are boys' names, and Eleanor...
she is very competitive.
Yeah, yeah.
So wait, baby names are a competition, then?
-Are they? -Everything is a competition.
Yeah.
-I got ya. -[laughing]
Does it...
like scare you, man?
You asked me the exact same question when I got married.
Yeah.
[train horn blaring]
[Barry crying]
[Eleanor muttering]
[Matt] I don't know what you want me to do.
-[Eleanor] I can't. -[Matt] I know, I know, I know, okay, okay.
-I got you, I got you. Daddy's here. -[Barry crying]
-Hey, hey, look. -[Barry laughing]
♪
[doorbell rings]
[knocking]
Chuckie.
You can't ring my doorbell after seven pm, man. What the hell?
-Why is it...? -Shh!
-[baby crying] -Come into the garage.
[Charlie] My bad.
-[Thom] Please be quiet. -[Charlie] Okay.
-It's good to see you. -[Charlie] All right.
Yeah, boys.
Whoo!
Who's ready for some party, huh?
I thought you got ripped.
No, yeah, yeah, I had to lose some muscle
for a role, a big role.
No way, what role, dude?
It was an audition, actually, a commercial.
No way, like a Superbowl commercial or something like that?
No, a pharmacy, local. Local pharmacy.
It's lots of money, though, you know. Almost got that one.
Dude, you know what I thought about, like,
if we had had like the Facebook and the Twitter
and the fucking Periscope and the sex app, what's that,
Snapchat shit, dude we totally would've made it.
Some Kickstarter well placed,
dude we could've still been on the road, man.
Yeah, but, Chuck, I mean, you did kind of make it, man.
You got out of town, you're livin' the dream.
Yeah, I'm living the dream.
Yeah, fuckin' LA's awesome, you know?
-For sure. -But, dude, you Devon, like you said you wouldn't
get married and you didn't.
-And I got it. -Free man, my brother.
But, you know, everybody else did.
-Yeah. -Never thought about that.
Yo, where's your stuff?
I thought we were gonna play.
[Thom] Oh shit, you were serious about that?
Yeah.
Oh no, dude, no chance.
I mean, no way, the baby is sleeping.
I mean...
Right.
♪
Ugh.
♪
Hannah, come sit down.
What's up, guys?
You look serious.
What?
Did you get Claire to masturbate for you?
Oh, my God! No!
You, little miss, are a sexual predator.
Excuse me? That's a joke, right?
My daughter is too young for a sex talk.
Okay, well there you're wrong.
Also, it's a complete misunderstanding.
What is going on with you?
Your whole life is in a storage unit in Modesto.
-You've got wine all over you or some substance. -Yeah.
And you're handing out vibrators to teenagers
and showing them how to do things with them?
I mean, who taught you this stuff?
Okay, I'm sorry, I made a mistake.
[Ron] Yeah, hello.
[Grace] Look.
I'm sorry that this place isn't as comfortable
as you'd like it to be.
But, maybe...
we can turn the office into a bedroom for just the weekends.
I'm sorry, what?
Are you guys getting married or something?
♪
Seriously, tonight?
Hannah.
-Hannah! -Let her go.
[country rock music playing]
-[Hannah] Hi. -[Bartender] Hey.
[Hannah] Can I get a glass of house red, please?
[Bartender] You got it.
[Hannah] Thank you.
♪
No way.
Stop.
-[Hannah] Hi. -[Charlie] Hi.
-Oh my God. -[Charlie] Come.
-Are you serious? -Oh my God!
-Hi. -[Charlie] Hi.
-Hi. -Hi.
-[Hannah] Hi. -What are you doin' here?
You know, just, um, I came home for a little while.
Wow. Look at your hair, it's like an adult person.
Yeah, I am adult.
[Both] We are adults.
Yeah, you look great.
-Thank you. -Yeah.
-You look exactly the same. -Yeah.
-Is that? -Yep, yep, yep.
-Is that her? -She's the one, yeah, Miranda.
-Wow. -She's a little shy, so.
You're still playing? That's amazing.
Yeah. I'll play, yeah. I play all the time.
-Yeah. -Yeah. You're a rock star.
-But yeah. Hi. -Hello.
Can I buy you a drink?
Do you remember when I wrote you the song
"Hannah Is Lonely 'Cause She Wants to Be?"
And you like smacked me in the face and made me change the name?
-No. -Really?
Oh, look at your face! Of course I do.
Do you remember when I made you that mix tape of break-up songs
and then Matt broke it, and you were really upset,
-so then you made me a mix tape of all ironic songs. -Ironic songs, yeah.
Gee, but Matt always made it about him.
I know, I can't believe he got someone to marry him.
Everybody we know got married.
-Everyone. -I know.
-Not you. -Mm!
Good job.
Cheers.
Yeah.
I get it at least, I mean who knows, right?
Are you mar-- Wait, are you married?
-Nope. -Oh.
Interesting.
What do you, um...
What do you do for fun?
Oh, I do nothing for fun.
-Ah, stop. -I used to be fun.
Hell yeah. You were so fun.
What did we used to do for fun?
[upbeat punk rock music]
♪ I called in sick to work today ♪
♪ And stayed in bed till noon ♪
♪ And now I just don't care what's going on ♪
♪ Outside this room
♪ Things aren't getting better
♪ My future's not too bright
♪ Fuck the world, I'm hanging out with you tonight ♪
You remember when we paid Thom, with an H,
we paid him 40 bucks to get us fake IDs,
so we could go to watch The Descendants.
-Then we show up... -And it was an all-ages show!
I do remember!
[Charlie] Do you remember the Fireman's Party...
[Hannah] You stayed after school waiting for me.
[Charlie] Oh your dad had to come bail us out.
[Hannah] Do you remember the time we skipped
Spanish finals to drive to Spring Fest?
I never thought at the time we were doing anything
worth remembering.
-Chin-chin, my love. -Chin-chin, baby.
No.
Oh my God.
Chuckie, they're so pretty.
♪ I'm really going nowhere
♪ I hate this shitty life
♪ Fuck the world, I'm hanging out with you tonight ♪
♪ Whoa-oh-oh-oh-oh
♪ Whoa-oh-oh-oh
-Play me something, Charlie. -Oh, yes, ma'am.
It would be my pleasure.
♪ Hannah, don't be lonely, even if you want me ♪
-♪ Hannah, don't be -You can't try on clothes in the store.
No, hey.
You've gotta pay for that dress.
♪ Whoa-oh-oh-oh
♪ Fuck the world, I'm hanging out with you tonight ♪
-You look hot in that. -Ooh, it's cold.
Thank you.
Oh, Chuckie, no.
-I just always... -I know.
Yeah, sorry, it's silly.
Sorry, I gotta a little...
That's what it is.
Ah, fuck it.
♪ Whoo-hoo-ooo-ooo
Dude!
Successfully out of the friend zone.
What?
[laughing]
Let's...
Let's do it.
Whoa.
-No. -I am not that kind of girl.
-No, let's get married. -What?
I'm dead serious.
Dude, look at you.
I mean, I get it.
No, no, I get it.
We're both over 30, right?
We're both single.
Remember how we made that promise?
Yeah, but, Charlie, every kid in the '90s made that promise.
Yeah, but we can keep it, Hannah.
Listen, the only reason why we didn't get together
was because you were with that douche, Dougie.
That's not true, Chuckie.
I liked us as friends.
Hannah, we can do this.
We can do this better than anybody can.
I missed you, like crazy, and I didn't even realize it
until I saw you today.
We can be like this, just like this forever.
Are you happy?
Is this not happy?
When's the last time you were happy?
-[laughing] -You wanna do it?
You wanna do it?
Come on, be my wife.
-Yeah. -Yeah?
Sweet! Are you serious?
-Fuck yeah. -[laughing]
-Sweet! -We should do this now.
I would, yeah.
-Marty, Marty Galvez is a justice of the peace. -Marty Galvez.
-I know where he lives. -Okay.
What the fuck, you guys?
We wanna get married, dude.
-Marry us. -Here, take these.
-Oh, thank you so much. -Thank you.
-I always wanted a towel. -She's so nice.
Right?
I command you to marry us. No, just kidding. No, but seriously.
"Love, true love."
-Have you seen that movie? -I love that movie.
[Charlie] "Prepare to die." I did the voice.
-[Marty] How drunk are you guys? -The six-fingered man.
-Don't be rude. -Stop it.
-I am slightly drunk. -[snickering]
-[Marty sighs] -Marty. Don't be mad.
-You get truthful when you're drunk. -We made him mad.
[Charlie] I know. Hey, are you mad?
[Hannah] Your wife is so pretty.
I look okay?
-You're really pretty. Just... -Thank you.
Okay, let's get this over with.
All right, cool. Let's do it.
-Come on. -Fuck it, okay.
Charlie Cates, do you take Hannah Becker to be your wife?
-Yeah. Oh yeah. -Aw.
-Thank you. -It's "I do."
Oh, I'm sorry.
-I do. -All right.
Hannah Becker, do you take Charlie Cates to be your husband?
-Yes, I do. -Oh, you got me!
-I was like, "What?" -Cool.
All right, you can kiss.
-[gasping] Uh-oh. -Uh-oh. Sweet.
Mwah!
-We got married! -Oh my God! No, that tickles!
-All right, great. Break it up, you alley cats. -Will you stop!
Hey. All right, look, look.
So look, just fill out this form.
I'll certify you both in the morning.
-Now will you please leave? -Yes.
-My pally. Love you, buddy. -All right, Chuckie.
Babe, they're drunk, we can't let them drive.
Oh my God, we're drunk, you can't let us drive.
[scoffs] We can't let 'em on any of the furniture, they're soaking wet.
[birds chirping]
[slow, romantic music playing]
♪
Hi.
Yeah?
[laughing softly]
♪
[music stops]
Christopher.
Come eat your breakfast.
Okay.
-Just... -[grunting]
[Charlie] Um, thank you for...
It's a very nice house.
♪
It's nice out.
-Oh, there it is. -Oh, nice parking job, honey.
I'm glad I didn't hurt anyone last night.
[Charlie] Well...
-[Hannah] Ah, keys. -Shotgun!
[Charlie] Sweet.
-There. -Okay.
-Seat belt? -[Charlie] Got it.
[Hannah] Can we go?
-[Charlie] Let's go. -All right.
♪
[Charlie] Just married! Yeah!
So, this was both your idea?
-Yeah. -Yeah.
I asked and she said yes.
-[Hannah] I said yes. -[Charlie] Yeah, awesome.
Well, marriage is a lot of work.
I know that, Mama.
[Matt] Do you?
-Oh my gosh, I couldn't be happier for the two of you. -Yeah.
Thank you, Mom. Finally some positivity.
So you're moving, right?
-Yes, I am moving out. -Yeah.
Where are you gonna live?
Uh, we're not sure yet.
Well I thought maybe my place in LA. Is that cool?
-Yeah. -[Grace] Perfect.
Yeah, LA.
And I also thought we could drive together.
-Have a little road trip. -Do you have a car here?
No, it's in LA, but you--
Oh, I share a car with Claire, so.
Yeah, her engine blew up because she didn't put enough oil in it.
That's not actually what happened, Mom.
It is. Cookies, everybody.
[noisy chattering]
Charlie how could you possibly think...
What are you gonna do, the Lyft thing?
You were gonna be star. What happened to all those videos?
The real conversation is-- Do you want this? Is this what you want?
[noisy chattering]
Guys, guys. Stop it!
Stop it right now! Stop it! Stop it!
Stop it! Listen. This is a good thing.
I did it. I did this thing.
Technically, we did it.
-I'm so sorry, yes, we. -I understand, it's a new thing.
-But we. -Yeah.
Right, we get to say we now.
-We're a we. -We're a we.
Yeah, and we're happy.
So, you guys be happy, all right?
♪
Welcome to LA, my love.
Let me get us a ride.
Bruce!
♪
-We're in here. -Ah.
Oh, we should do the...
We're married, I should...
Oh, oh, oh God, okay.
Yeah, do you wanna try it?
-Oh, I think I-- -Let's not.
Should we skip it?
Sorry, I haven't been working on my arms lately.
All right, cool.
Welcome.
All right, welcome to your house.
I'm sorry it's such a mess.
I wasn't expecting a wife, you know?
Welcome.
Um, what do you think?
Huh?
Oh... Hey.
Do you wanna go to the beach?
Like the actual beach?
[Hannah] Yeah, first time in LA, isn't that the first thing you do?
Um, no, it's like 20 miles away.
I've never actually been to the beach here.
Oh my God, really? Why?
It's freezing, dude. Like, you need a wet suit if you wanna go in.
Hell no.
They didn't wear wet suits on Baywatch.
That year's show was shot in Hawaii, so.
Yeah.
-Hey. -[Charlie] Yeah?
Remember that New Year's that we didn't
have any plans and hated everyone else's,
so we drove four hours to the beach
and went skinny-dipping and got arrested?
Yeah.
That was actually the last time I went to the beach.
You wanna go again?
Good morrow, Charles, and congratulations to me.
It is official, I am a licensed minister, it just came in the mail.
Best 20 bucks I've spent since I got those As Seen on TV furniture coasters.
[Charlie] Ah, sweet.
Oh, oh, Hannah.
This is my roommate, Bruce, and this is my wife, Hannah.
-Hi. -'Sup?
Yeah. What are you doing today, buddy?
Big day. Big, big, big day.
[Charlie] He's so good on that thing.
-I got it, I got it. -[Bruce] You got it?
-This was great. -Ciao.
He's great.
So, you wanna come chill?
How many bedrooms is this?
Oh, just the one.
Oh, okay, but I have the bedroom area,
and Bruce, he's got the living room area.
We're kind of in his space right now, but...
This is awesome, you know?
I get to live with my best friend and my wife
in the same place.
I always hoped that that would be possible,
but I didn't know if that could work out, you know?
-Thank you, honey. -Yeah.
[chuckles]
Hey. You wanna go to a restaurant, get some food or somethin'?
Yeah. We should--
I mean, what type of food do you like?
Whatever.
All right, well, uh, what do you feel for like right now?
Anything, I'm easy.
Cool, but do you see how, like it would be really helpful
to me if you were a little more specific? Just for--
We always ended up somewhere nonspecific and had a good time, right?
Yeah. Yeah.
Let's, uh, let's go.
-Don't be mad. -I'm not mad.
-It's the best day of my life. -[Hannah chuckles]
After you, madame. No, no, please allow me.
[Hannah] Oh thank you.
-[Hannah] Shit. -[Charlie] What?
I forgot to tell them no tomatoes on my salad.
Oh, shit. Um, you don't like tomatoes?
No, I'm like allergic, deathly.
-You don't remember? -Really? No.
No, but I do remember your favorite food.
Nachos.
Husband points for me.
Yeah, it used to be.
You don't-- I thought your-- Oh.
Hey, let's do like a getting to know you exercise.
Give me your phone.
-Straight for the phone, madame? -I won't look at texts.
-I just wanna see your Google history. -All right. Um...
-I promise. -Okay, go ahead.
-I trust you. -Okay.
Let's see.
What have you been searching?
"How to pass the California smog test?"
Um... Okay.
-"Celebrities who've had late in life success." -Okay.
-"People who achieve success over 30." -I sense a theme.
-Stan Lee was 39 when he-- -Yeah. Yeah.
There's still hope for me, huh?
All right, pass it over. Let me see yours.
No.
No?
Fine, I don't need to see it.
Ask me another question.
When's the last time you had sex?
Oh.
-You really wanna know? -Mm-hm.
Oh, okay.
Two weeks ago?
You don't wanna ask me when the last time I had sex was?
Absolutely not.
-Okay. -Okay.
No. Please don't tell me.
Let me ask you something.
Let's see.
What do you wanna do for work?
I don't really know.
I used to be in pharmaceutical sales, but, now, it's not what I want--
Why are you laughing?
Um, nothing, it's just,
every like hot girl in my college studied pharmaceutical sales
if she wanted to marry a doctor, you know?
-Oh. -All right.
-[Hannah] Thank you. -So for sauces,
we have lemon aioli, mesquite barbecue--
Oh my God, you're gonna have to roll me out on a stretcher with these fries.
And jalapeno mustard.
Actually, make that two stretchers please.
'Cause, you know, we're married now, so I wanna, I wanna roll out with her.
We roll deep, I would say.
[Waiter] Okay.
[Charlie] Bon appetit, my love.
Oh, anyway, I do have a lot of savings, so I just thought
I'd skate for a while and see what happens.
Would you like to like, just run off to Mexico?
-[Hannah] What? -No, look.
We could like live on a beach and sell things.
Um, why Mexico?
Well, I mean you speak Spanish, and then I kind of--
I don't speak Spanish. Why would I speak Spanish?
But you lived in Spain for like two years.
Yeah, but everyone there speaks English too.
Like for a second, I thought that you would
be too busy reading The Alchemist to remember
your white privilege, but gracias.
Yeah. No, totally. I mean, at least I left the state.
Did you also go to India by any chance?
You know, really find yourself, enlightenment.
No, I mean, you know,
I had experiences, I made mistakes
and then I became a grown-up.
And when you do that, you'll also be able
to share those things.
Wow.
Actually, well played.
Don't worry, I don't want a big ring or anything.
I'm not like that kind of adult.
Yeah, like a wedding ring?
Yeah, I mean, to be clear, I do want a ring.
Just not like a big one.
Why would you want-- You hate jewelry.
People change.
No they don't, I mean, not really.
Yeah, actually, they do. But...
What the hell are you wearing?
My PJs.
Yeah, but like, it's our wedding night.
You look like you just had a baby,
like a big one.
Yeah, well you're wearing a T-shirt.
A muscle T-shirt.
I'm not showing you mine until you show me yours.
-Oh, is that how it works, then? -Mm-hmm.
Well, I've got something to show you then.
I didn't know-- Come here. Come here, yeah.
All right, it's a secret, so I gotta tell you real close.
-[Hannah laughing] -[Charlie] What?
Oh hey. Sorry. Gotta go TT.
Hi.
It's a one bathroom.
Sorry, I'll be quick.
-[Hannah] Great. -Great.
[Bruce] Oh.
Hey. Dosey-doe, my lady.
[whispers] Clementine. She makes hemp soap.
[whispers] You love that soap.
I think she could be the one.
Really happy for you dude.
Oh, there she is.
Hi, nice to meet you.
-It was nice to meet you. -Nice to meet you.
[Bruce] Those PJs, really good PJs.
Have a good night, thank you.
[laughing]
I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry.
I can't do it, Chuckie.
Please don't say that, Hannah.
I can't. There is no room for me here.
Yeah, but I'll make room.
I'll do it, like, I'll make,
just, we gotta give it a shot, you know?
I know actually.
You see, there's this rule in life--
it's been that way for generations--
that if a man writes you a song, you can't leave him.
♪ It was a cold, cold day, a cold, cold night ♪
♪ When Hannah wanted to say goodbye ♪
♪ But I said, Hannah, don't leave ♪
♪ Hannah, won't you stay?
♪ 'Cause if you don't, I'll probably wind up gay ♪
♪ I'm close enough already
♪ And that's just fine
♪ But I really wanna make you mine ♪
♪ Not that there's anything wrong with that ♪
All right, all right, you've done enough.
-You've done enough. -Oh man, every time.
-[Hannah] Oh yeah. -[Charlie] Give me some space.
-You're such a nerd. -Am I, really?
[Hannah] Yeah.
[Hannah] Oh, um...
No, ow.
-Okay, wait. -Why? That feels...
No. Sorry.
Sorry, it just didn't feel good.
I thought it would feel better.
I should've asked you. Okay, so...
We can figure this out, right?
So what do you like?
I'm sorry. I know some of this just takes time.
Well, it wouldn't take time if you just tell me what you like.
I don't care, like, you can tell me anything.
Okay.
Well, um, I guess the first thing you need to know
is that I actually don't orgasm any way
-except through oral. -[chuckles]
Oh, I'm sorry.
You don't come from sex?
No, it's actually pretty common.
No. Not for any of my exes it wasn't.
Well, like 70% of women don't come
through intercourse, so, that's unlikely.
I don't know, 'cause that really hasn't been my experience, you know?
Just mine personally, you know?
But I'm saying it probably has been your experience, you just haven't noticed.
How can you insult me in bed while you haven't even tried me.
Okay. I'm sorry, you're right.
But, you know, you asked.
No, I'm sorry. You know what? Um...
These things probably do take time, right?
So let's just try another day.
Just, I'm kind of tired, and it's kind of hard to--
Yeah, fine, me too.
[Charlie] So, yeah.
Do you really not have a second pillow?
Here, honey.
-I didn't wanna take-- -I'm saying here, all right?
-Thank you. -[Charlie] You're welcome.
-It's generous. -God...
[Charlie] Good night.
-Do you not have a top sheet? -[Charlie] Seriously?
♪
Sorry, I keep forgetting my toothbrush.
Are you sure it's okay that I'm using yours?
Yeah, no worries. Go nuts.
Hey, why is there only one toothbrush in this bathroom?
-What do you mean? -I mean, where's Bruce's?
-[groans] -Oh!
-Oh, you got the... -[muttering]
No, there.
[Charlie] Why am I doing this?
Aah, that burns.
Charlie, your wife is here.
-Oh yeah. What? Hey. -Hi!
-Look at this. -[Charlie] I know.
-You're at work. Hi. -Yeah.
This is great.
Yeah, it's a gym, you know.
What are you doing here?
Oh, I just needed to run errands and I don't have a car.
-Can I borrow yours? Great. -Oh yeah, sure.
-It's out there. -Great.
Um, shit, you know what? Yeah.
You could join the gym, and I could personal train you.
We can do, like, couples do things.
Oh, I'm, uh... Maybe tomorrow?
-Yeah, yeah, another time. -After, when I get settled.
-The thing, okay, cool. -Okay. Fine.
-[Hannah] Okay, buh-bye. -Bye ya.
[clatters]
Your wife?
-Yeah. -You got married?
Yeah, it's actually a super long story.
It's actually not very long at all.
I got married, and that's my wife.
No, no, dude.
We were just casual.
We never had the talk.
Yo, you got married?
You got married?
Good luck with that, bro.
Yeah, good luck with that, bro.
-All right, thanks guys. -[Logan] Get her car, man.
And her own bathroom.
[Man] And tell her when she wakes up in the morning
without makeup, she's beautiful.
Great, great, great.
I'll keep that in mind, guys, thank you.
Hey, we try.
Um... All right.
[sputtering]
Bruce.
♪
Um...
[Charlie mutters]
Can I help you, man?
Uh, yeah.
Yeah, actually.
I wanna make a mix tape for a lady.
A playlist?
No, no, dude, like I wanna take an actual cassette
and put a bunch of like old punk bands on it.
Like, I wanna take the CD and the CD player
and then just burn it into a tape.
Remember how we used to do that? That was sick.
Cassette tapes and CDs are done, bro.
Yeah. Yeah, but you sell records.
This is how we do it here, man.
If you wanna live in the past,
you have to live past-er than what you're looking for.
♪
Um, excuse me.
Um, sorry.
-Hello, no, no, no. Sir, um... -[Hannah] Hey, Chuckie.
Hey. What's with all the stuff?
My stuff-- my mom sent a bunch of my stuff and furniture and...
Yeah. Yeah, but I already have a bed.
-In my bedroom. -Yeah, but I do, too, and it's super comfy, I promise.
-Yeah, okay, whatever. We'll figure it out, right? -Okay.
Oh, there's a bicycle, too. Sweet.
Hey, excuse me. Can you, um, maybe here?
I don't think we should have a TV in our bedroom.
But I like TV.
I've always had a TV in my bedroom.
Yeah, but now I'm here. I m mean never watched TV together.
We always had too much fun talking.
[toilet flushing]
Hey, Bruce.
-You want that TV? -Yep.
-No, it's my TV. -It'll be right outside.
Catya?
He doesn't need two TVs out there.
Yes, babe?
-[Bruce] Give me a hand with this TV, babe. -Sure.
Hi, I'm Catya.
Hi, Catya.
[Bruce] Okay.
Can you watch out with the, the right leg.
-Thank you. -[Catya] Nice to meet you guys.
[Bruce] I think she may be the one.
Right, I'm gonna go to the coffee shop real quick.
Are they even open this late?
[Charlie] Yeah, till midnight.
♪
Hey. What's up?
Oh hey.
[Hannah] What you been doin'?
Big day.
Big, big, big huge day.
Huge day.
[exhales] Big day.
What are you up to in my room?
Oh, yeah, I'm sor-- I keep forgetting.
I'm sorry. Here.
[Bruce] Oh, no problemo, me quarto es su quarto.
How was your dia?
[Hannah] Uh, good. Yeah, really good.
Just... hangin'.
Do you want me to throw anything in for you?
[Hannah] No, I'm good.
Hey, I meant to say something.
You guys don't have any dishes or anything.
Yeah.
So we don't have to do dishes.
Cool. What is that, by the way?
Dinner.
Are you hungry?
That's okay, thank you.
Cool.
So yeah, I was gonna go out.
I got some stuff to do.
So, I will leave you alone.
♪
[Charlie] Bam.
Burrito time.
-[Bruce] Hey, we're back. -[Charlie] Heyo, hey man.
You want a burrito?
Uh, I'm good.
Whose dog is this?
Your bird, I picked him up at the park today.
Like to stay with us? No.
Dude, we can't have a dog, man.
We literally, the rules, we can't have a dog.
Charles, we were never gonna get
our security deposit back anyway.
Now we've got a dog.
I don't want a dog.
♪
-[Hannah] Hey, Chuckie. -[Matt] What's up, bro?
-Bicycle. -Look who came to visit.
-[sputters] -Yeah. Pfft.
[laughing]
Oh, hey man.
What, uh...
Where's the little, Eleanor?
Oh, she's got a couple conferences.
Road trip.
Man, I love you, but it's kind of not a lot of space in there right now.
-Yeah. -The place is not really baby proof either.
-Sure. -It's actually really, really unsafe for a child.
You know, studies show that most men don't like their wives
and most wives don't like their babies.
Food for thought.
♪
Thank you.
I'll trade ya. Oops...
-All right. -All right.
[Delivery Man] Thank you.
-[Charlie] Hey, honey. -[Hannah] Hi.
[Charlie] What is this?
This, I believe is...
dishes.
No, you have to put these away.
-You can't let Bruce see it. -I'll put 'em away.
Just, whoa.
[Hannah] I'll put 'em away in the kitchen.
-[Charlie] Just put 'em back in. -[Hannah] Okay.
♪
Dishes.
It wasn't...
It wasn't my...
I'm gonna put them in the kitchen and start to put them away.
-Nope, I got it. -You got it? Okay.
That just...
Honey, don't show everybody the goods.
Um, here, let me just, here, I got this.
All right. Just...
It's heavy, right? It's not just me.
-No. -[Hannah] All right.
Go ahead.
Can you unpack?
-Oh. I... -[Charlie] Are you serious?
-[Bruce] Woo. -Hey.
I didn't ask last time, but why?
Why do you do that?
It freezes the bacteria so my clothes don't smell.
You still have to wash them sometimes, man.
[Bruce] Nonsense.
That's awesome.
[Charlie] Juice...
Can you help me?
What are you... What are you doing?
Don't do that. Don't do that.
-[Matt] Keep it open. -Oh.
I'm just gonna unpack these.
[Hannah] Good night, everyone.
-[groans] -Mm.
-[dog barks] -[Barry crying]
-Where are you going? -I forgot something at the coffee shop.
[Barry crying]
Golfing with Bruce the First in the morning, you down?
-Hell yeah. -[game controllers clicking]
Good, good.
Hey, so you haven't said anything about my lady.
I'm a minimalist, Charles, you know this.
Right, but it's a pretty big deal that I have a girl here.
Yes, but I do not believe in marriage.
Only divorce.
Right, but what does either thing
have to do with being a minimalist?
[sighs]
You see it matters not how one comes to own
next to nothing, only that one gets there.
-Lao Tzu, Tao Te Ching. -Good.
And that's it.
Dude, but I married my best friend.
Like, isn't that what people want to do with their lives?
You did not marry your best friend.
It's impossible that every married person is married to their best friend.
Case in point, I am your best friend, not her.
Besides, have you looked at your bird's book collection?
-She has all the Bukowskis man. -All of 'em.
-Yeah, I love that about her. -Not a good thing.
You should know better than to get involved with a girl who's too into Bukowski.
-Hey guys. -Oh, hey.
-Hey, where's Barry? -Built her a crib.
-[Barry babbling] -Oh.
Hey, um, Chuckie.
Wanna come talk to me in the bedroom for a second?
-Right now? Okay. -Don't, don't.
-Sorry. I'm sorry. -Don't.
-'Cause we're in the middle. -[Charlie] I know, but, sorry.
-[Hannah] Sorry, Bruce. -[Charlie] Wife.
-I have a wife. -[sighs]
All right.
-I see a bow. -Mm-hmm.
What?
Oh wow.
I, uh...
I know you're a little short on cash,
so I thought I could help you out.
You could also teach me how to play guitar.
I could pay you for that.
I've always wanted to learn.
-You'd want to give me money to...? -Yeah.
-What do you think? -Well, thank you, yeah.
-No, it's, really thoughtful. -Oh, one more.
-There you go. -You got it?
Oh, cool.
[strumming]
Thank you.
You're welcome.
Hey.
I love you.
You don't have to say that right now.
I just, you know, say it when you feel it.
-Thank, um... -Thank you's fine.
You know, sir, Hannah's the first girl I ever loved.
And now she's back in my life.
Which I think says something about her.
Or not much about all the girls you've
gotten to know since.
No, no, no, no we used to stand for something.
Nice shot.
We rebelled against the establishment.
Well, you kids had to invent things to rebel against
'cause you had too much time on your hands.
And the baton continues to be passed, Gramps.
Kids today will never understand what we had to go through
just to watch porn.
Oh, the dark ages.
My grandparents married because life was
too unbearable to go it alone.
This notion of love and marriage came from the Renaissance,
back when artists had time and money to sit around
and jerk off and write songs and paint.
Ah, history is so cool.
[Bruce the First] Yeah, well, you kids are fuckin' it up.
[ball clatters]
[Bruce] Boom goes the dynamite.
But the marijuana has gotten better,
I'll give you kids that.
-Thank you. -Oh yeah.
Yep, you're welcome there, Bruce the First.
Do you have any? Like right now?
[Bruce the First] Am I holding? No.
That was really nice hanging out with Bruce the First. Thanks for the invite.
-BTF, love him. -Yeah.
How long ago did his wife pass?
-The first lady? -Yeah.
Eight years.
-I bet you they were awesome together, huh? -Oh, shit.
Man, they loved the crap out of each other.
She was pretty hot, too.
-That's your grandmother... -For being my grandma, yeah.
-...that you're speaking of. -I know, objectively, though.
It's been all right since she's been gone, but not quite the same.
I don't know, man, sometimes it seems nice
to have a little alone time, you know?
I don't think when you're that old.
I don't know, we used to do a really good job
of growing old together.
I don't know what we're gonna do now.
Well...
There you go.
Oh shit, sweet.
Hannah?
-Hannah? -In here!
Hey, honey.
Oh man, I wish you wouldn't eat in the bed because
we might get roaches.
Okay.
-How was your day? -Good.
I actually, I found out that one of my friends
from college lives here now, so I'm gonna see her tomorrow.
And somebody's all set up in LA now.
[Hannah] Oh yeah.
I got you something.
[gasping] What?
Best husband in the world award.
I hope you like it.
-You're so nice. -No, no, whatever.
What did you get me?
Yoga pants. You always are lounging around in your sweatpants,
so I figured these are snugger and a little cuter and, you know.
-Yoga pants. -Thanks.
I love you.
[laughing]
It's an amazing day, huh?
Great day.
I cannot believe you're here.
How's David?
-We're, uh, we're not really. -Got ya.
You can totally keep that towel set I got you.
Thanks. That's generous.
Um, yeah, I'm actually, I'm married to someone
I went to high school with. I recently remarried.
Oh, sweet.
You married someone your own age?
Yeah, why?
This is LA, it's just that it's unusual. Just a little bit.
It's just really, really hard to keep up
unless you're married to someone who's at least 15 years older than you.
-Why? -Because you look terrible in pictures.
It lasts forever.
Well, you do know about the arm thing, though, right?
-[Hannah] What arm thing? -Yeah, well the, the arm thing.
Are you not doing that in photos?
No, is that?
-It's really easy to pick up. -Thank you.
Ugh. I didn't know I was doing it wrong.
But we gotta work on those 11s.
-What's an 11? -That furrow.
-Oh, my forehead? -No, don't!
-Don't touch your face. -Oh my God, why am I not supposed to touch my face?
-Never too early to start on that neck. -Never, never.
Is there something wrong with my neck?
No, just the same thing that's wrong with everyone's neck.
Well, you know, I'm just to the kind of girl who does Botox.
-Why not? -[Hannah] My husband would hate it.
Oh. I doubt that.
No, really, he's...
He did get me yoga pants.
Oh, exactly.
He's basically asking you to try harder.
Wow.
But honey... Look, don't worry about it.
If he can't handle you at your worst...
[All] He doesn't deserve you at your best.
I can't cheers to that. I'm sorry, did you quote Marilyn Monroe?
-Yeah. -Well, don't you think that's part of the problem?
Like, maybe if she, like, had a man who didn't
put up with her pill popping, she'd still be alive?
No.
That's a rose-colored glasses kind of a thought.
[chuckling] Cute.
Honey, what happened?
-What happened? -I got Botox.
-You got Botox? -Yeah.
Um...
My face is ruined.
No, it's not bad.
Ruined is a really strong word.
You just can't laugh.
Or smile.
But you haven't been much of that anyways, so.
Hey.
Hey, where's Barry?
[giggles]
Uh...
Were you guys smoking weed in here?
[laughing]
-[Hannah] Just a little bit. -You guys...
You hot-boxed the living room with a baby in it?
[whispers] Shh. She's sleeping.
No, no, no. I pulled her outside.
I'm sorry.
All right, cool, that's, that's what it takes to make you smile.
That's great. That's rich.
-[Hannah] I'm not laughing at you. -It's okay.
-It was medicinal. The Botox-- -Yeah, yeah, I got it.
Just gonna be in my room, all right?
[groans]
That's it.
We're gonna get really adult up in here.
Who's excited? Me!
I am. Okay?
Let me break this down.
There's currently four and a half people living here,
and the place is a fucking mess.
So, sweetheart.
Would you like...
trash duty,
Sunday or Monday? Hmm?
Monday or Sunday?
Chuckie, I'm your wife, I'm not roommate.
You can't put me on like some chores list.
Seriously?
Because so far, I can't tell the difference.
Monday it is. Congratulations.
You've got trash and dish duty on Mondays.
You my friend, are gonna check into a hotel. Tonight.
And you're gonna stop smoking weed around your child, do you understand me?
Ooh, and that.
That piece of richness right here.
Sorry, honey. Sorry.
You're gonna find a new place for this
that isn't my living room, please.
-What, where? -I don't know.
I haven't actually seen you use it, ever.
The seat is broken.
Fix it.
All right, fix something.
Please.
Where are you going?
[Charlie] To the grocery store.
For what?
I don't know.
Am I taking out the trash?
♪
Yeah.
-Hey man. -'Sup?
What'd you do today?
Honestly, I had a pretty big day.
Big. Big day.
How about you?
You know.
Bruce, where's the Hannah lady? Is she around?
She went to the coffee shop around the corner.
-All right. -Yeah.
You two have both been secretly using their bathroom to shit,
you know, since she moved in.
Maybe next time don't get married until you're comfortable
enough with each other to share a toilet.
Right.
Where's Matt?
Is he... Is he leaving?
Got a hotel room. Want some cereal?
No, I'm good.
Got it.
Excuse me.
That's really nice.
-Cereal? -No thanks, Bruce.
-[Charlie] Hey. What? -Hey, buddy.
You can't sleep here. No sleeping in the car.
-I live here. -I don't care, move it on.
Go back home.
Good ladies, now my warrior goddesses,
let's get into our warrior pose.
Step our left foot out.
Get that good, strong arms going, great.
Hi, Charlie.
Oh hey, Adrienne.
Hi.
Looks good.
Do you wanna...
You wanna hang out?
Not like that.
-No, like, just normal people do. -Oh, mm-hmm.
Can we do that?
Just go somewhere?
Are you scared to go home?
-No. -Mm.
Um...
Can we just talk somewhere?
[Bruce] Hey, sorry, I just gotta go to the um... piss.
Oh, yeah.
Hey, Bruce? You're a licensed minister, right?
Countywide.
Can I tell you something that I can't tell Charlie yet?
I take my duties as a minister very seriously
and follow them to the letter of the law.
Please, what's on your mind, child?
Okay.
So, the thing that Charlie doesn't know about me
is I used to be married.
I'm pretty sure he's still gonna find you attractive.
Not as much.
But enough.
I gotta pee.
♪
What's the difference between like a wedding invitation,
and a phone bill?
You said you wanna talk, Charlie, so out with it.
Out with it.
Uh, what do I wanna talk about?
Um...
[sighs] Yeah.
I'm just...
Can I...
Can I use your bathroom?
I really liked you.
Bullshit.
Listen, Adrienne, when somebody's most attractive
quality to you is in that they just happen
to be unavailable, then you know you're a grownup. You know?
Said the newlywed sitting in my kitchen.
Touché.
I can leave.
Bathroom's down the hall, to the left.
Which hall?
[chuckling]
[phone ringing]
Oh.
Hi, nothing.
No, I wasn't doing...
Shut up.
No, that's... No, that's awesome.
Yeah.
Okay, thank... thank you.
-Hannah? -[Hannah] Charlie?
-Hey. -Hi, look.
-[Charlie] Oh wow. -Right?
-[Charlie] Yeah, it's back. -Remove it all.
-[Charlie] You look great. -Thank you.
Did you get the tickets?
Yup.
-Oh yeah? -Mm-hmm.
And where is this venue, madam?
San Diego.
[groaning] Don't make that face.
Adventure.
[punk music playing]
[Charlie speaks indistinctly]
-[Hannah] Yeah, right? -[Charlie] I think so.
[Charlie] Yeah.
-'Sup? -What's up guys?
[muted punk music playing]
Are you guys looking for your kid or something?
[muted punk music playing]
When did music become just for young people?
I don't know, I guess adults don't have
anything to rebel against.
Bullshit. This is the time
where we should start rebelling. I demand...
Oh, sorry.
People change.
No, they don't.
Okay, well, when we were growing up,
the lead singer of the band Against Me!
was a boy and now she's named Laura Jane Grace.
That's three lady names, so.
My point exactly.
She was always a girl, she just finally
made the outside match the inside.
Boom.
-Points for me. -Okay, you got me.
I don't think people change. I really don't.
I just think that they become more of
what they've always been.
You were always cute.
A cutie patootie.
I do miss your pink highlights, though.
Oh, and that time you shaved your head.
[chuckling]
-I got an idea. -What?
[Charlie] Just you wait.
[humming]
Okay.
♪
Oh, I love this song.
Would you join me, for a little shakey me shaka?
-Why yes, sir. -Come on.
♪ Humming to himself as he is
♪ Thinking of his latest debts
♪ Juggling some numbered thoughts ♪
♪ Wondering what might come next ♪
♪ He swears he won't ever stop ♪
♪ Unless he wants what she surely does not ♪
♪ Oh, Jim, John, Jackie and Suzy Q ♪
♪ They mind their manners, but so do you ♪
♪ While we breathe
♪ All of these words make no sense ♪
♪ Working in an upscale place
♪ She is thinking of her son's demise ♪
♪ On his epitaph a doctor's bill ♪
♪ She puts off for another time ♪
♪ And swears she won't ever stop ♪
♪ Unless she wants what she surely does not ♪
♪ Oh, Jim, John, Jackie and Suzy Q ♪
♪ They mind their manners, but so do you ♪
♪ While we breathe
♪ All of these words make no sense ♪
♪ I'm not gonna see till my singing does me wrong ♪
♪ I'm not gonna hear till the fires have burned on ♪
♪ Not gonna know
♪ Not gonna know till the feeling does me wrong ♪
-Did you get it? -No, hold on.
-Can we just... Here, just be here. -Okay. Wait, wait.
-Ow, what are you doing? -Oh, sorry, sorry.
Ow, what are you doing? My shoulder.
I was just trying to get in pos--
Do you wanna just go upstairs?
Like, all right, yeah, let's do it.
Um, can you?
Can you get the door?
Oh, man.
Oh, hell yeah.
[Bruce] No.
-Hey. -[Charlie] Good evening.
[Woman] Hi.
Uh, Gabriela, that's Charles and Hannah.
Charlie, Hannah, that's Gabriela.
[Charlie] Hi.
Sorry dude, she's couch surfing and I live on a couch,
so you know this is--
[Charlie] How's your day going to far, guys?
Oh, I'm sorry, am I in your personal space? I'm sorry.
Uh, the only bathroom's back here.
Oh boy, hold it, hold it.
[Charlie] Yeah, we'll just start it without you guys. It's okay.
Why are you so hairless?
[laughing]
[Bruce] What's gotten into you two? It's weird.
-[Charlie] We're just happy. -We're just happy.
-Get out of my... -[Bruce] All right. All right.
-Off with you. -[Gabriela] To my couch.
-[Charlie] Off with both of you. -[Bruce] Yeah, let's go.
Bye, guys.
Hang on, I gotta go to the bathroom.
Yeah.
Okay, sure.
Oh, yeah.
Fuck, I need this.
[Hannah] Um, Charlie?
Fuck.
[breathes deeply]
♪
Sir!
I don't know, man.
Just get the multi-pack.
Oh, shit. Dude, I am...
Hey, happens all the time.
Hannah?
Ugh.
[sputtering]
No milk action.
♪
Ah, shit.
Don't worry, I think if you cook, she has to clean.
Oh yeah. Good call. Ow, ow, ow, okay.
All right.
Voilà.
I fail to see how this is supposed to be a casserole.
-Oh, you know what? -Hmm.
We did not add the pasta shells.
But...
Aah, I don't really have a way to finish that sentence.
-Hey. -[Charlie] Hey.
What, uh...
What's with the hair?
I dyed it.
Yeah, I can see that.
It's cool.
-You don't like it? -I didn't say that.
No, it's cool. It's very pink.
No. It's nice.
You were the one who told me that you loved my pink hair.
Because I did.
I do. I like it.
What happened to the Chuckie who used to like,
tell me I was beautiful and write songs for me?
Well, what did you expect was gonna happen?
We were just gonna make out in the rain all day,
listen to some Damien Rice?
Well, yeah, kinda, didn't you?
Yeah, kinda.
[Hannah] What are you making?
I made you some dinner.
-Ah. Ah? -Oh...
-That's nice. -[in Italian accent] You like it?
-Sit down, now please. -Okay.
This is an Italian restaurant.
[in normal voice] Or some sort of a generic accent.
-Enjoy. -Thank you, Bruce.
[wolf whistle]
[Charlie] Coming in hot.
-All right, let me get you some cutlery. -Thank you.
For my lovely lady.
Thank you.
Beautiful.
-[Charlie] Gonna get myself a knife. -I want to take a bite.
-[Hannah] This is great, babe. -Um, how about a little vino?
-Uh, sure. -[Charlie] Great.
Mm, yeah, totally edible.
-It's good? -[Hannah] Good.
Oh sweet. I got you the second cheapest wine
because it's splurging on my lady, you know?
Do you like cabernet? I think this is cabernet.
-Charlie? Are there tomatoes in this? -Yeah?
Yeah, I just put a little bit for the flavor.
Oh shit!
Shit!
Um, um...
Okay. Come here. Lay down and breathe.
-Don't panic, don't panic! -Ep... Ep-Epinephrine.
-[Charlie] Where? Where? -It's in my purse.
Okay, okay, purse.
Uh... I don't-- Okay!
I got it. Okay.
All right, it's gonna hurt, okay?
-I'm gonna save you! -Stop! It's not Pulp Fiction!
[Hannah gasping]
[Charlie] I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry.
-Are you okay? -Yeah.
Can you breathe?
I'm so sorry.
Okay, yeah, I'll get off. Oh God, honey.
-[Hannah] You know, Charlie. -Yeah?
[Hannah] I don't ask much.
I just ask
that you don't try to kill me.
I didn't try to kill you. It was in the recipe,
and I saw it and I should've known better and...
-I'm going. -Where...?
-Are you going to the coffee shop? -[Hannah] No.
Hannah, I'm sorry!
Fuck.
-[door opens] -[Bruce] Oy.
-Um... -How'd it go?
Yeah, I don't wanna talk about it.
-Fuck. -Yeah, I know.
-[door opens] -[Matt] Guys.
So, here's the thing.
Eleanor is on her way here from the airport right now.
Perfect, she'll be just in time for leftovers.
Why are we suddenly scared of Eleanor?
Here's the thing.
I kind of lied.
She didn't go to any meetings.
She kind of freaked out on me and she needed some space.
[Charlie] Whoa, okay.
Oh, dear God.
We gotta clean this place up 'cause she cannot see that we live in squalor.
-Oh hey. -Let's not throw around the S word.
It's like a storage unit inside here.
If we can just sort of clean some of it up?
Come on, guys. Help.
-All right. -All right.
I'll smoke this bong.
-[knocking] -I'll get it.
Hi. This was outside.
Oh, perfect.
-Hey, honey. Oh, okay. -Hi! Oh, my darling!
Oh, I missed you so much.
-What about me? -Yeah.
Hi.
It's me, Charlie.
Uh, this is a...
a nice place.
-Thank you. -Thank you.
[Charlie] Good night, guys.
[Matt] Good night.
[birds chirping]
[groans]
Hey.
Who's that really good-looking dude talking to Hannah out there?
Oh, that's her ex-husband.
Her what?
Oh, um, it's her ex-husband?
Um...
Sorry.
Why wouldn't you tell me this?
I don't know.
Does he have to be so good-looking?
[laughs]
What does he do?
He's a...
-[Hannah] He's a doctor. -He's a doctor. Yeah.
Of course he is.
[sighing] Oh God.
Look, the way you live your life is just not an option for most people.
And why is that, Hannah?
I don't know, I tried.
Hey, I really, really tried, okay?
♪ Fuck the world, I'm hanging out with you tonight ♪
Oh, I'm sorry.
No, actually.
Come in.
Just chill in the bathroom?
Just... I wanna talk for a second.
[sighs]
What are you doing here, man?
She called me up. Said she needed some help.
-Yeah, when? -Yesterday.
She said there was something about you wanted to kill her?
-No, I just... -I get it.
I don't even need to know the details.
I don't even wanna know the details, but...
So, what happened?
She called me up, she said she needed--
No, just, like before.
Like you and her, what happened?
I don't even know.
Maybe I spent too much time thinking about what she needed,
none of what she wanted.
Um, what do you think, um...
What do you think she wants?
I think she just wants a partner in crime.
I mean, literally.
[chuckles]
Literally.
-Um, can I...? -Oh yeah. Just go.
-Yeah. -Um, thank you.
-Let's not touch. -Yeah, let's not.
So, have you met any cool people here?
Not really. Although I've never been
good at making friends as an adult.
Also, all the women wanna talk about here is like
-yoga and genetically modified foods. -Oh, God.
Well, where I live, it's their babies.
And yoga.
I mean, people are all the same, it's just what nouns they fill in on their Mad Libs.
[whispers] The baby's asleep.
Thanks, Bruce.
-Wanna join us? -[whispers] I'm good.
So how is your marriage?
It's a marriage.
They're all kind of the same, right?
Hmm...
You know, it took years for us to conceive?
But ever since, I've been terrified
that it'll never be as good as it was before.
And everyone is always so focused on getting what they want.
Or they get what they want and they don't want it anymore.
It's all about the fantasy staying a fantasy.
Yeah.
You're gonna drive?
Well, it's a fluid situation.
-Yeah, that's true. -What's going on, guys?
About to take these guys to the airport.
-Ready? -Yeah, I think so.
-There she is. -[Matt] Hey.
-[Eleanor] Hey. Bye. Yeah. -[Charlie] Leaving?
-[Charlie] Take care, huh. -Yeah. Take care.
-Beautiful baby. -You got that?
Yeah.
-All right, bro. -Love you, bro.
Barry, thank Uncle Charlie. Come on.
Ay!
Bye, guys, travel safe.
[sighs]
[David sighs]
-I like your hair like this. -No talking.
Are you coming home with me?
I don't know, maybe.
Maybe I wanna go to India and like find myself or something.
I think that's a great idea.
I would love to come with you.
Or not. You can go by yourself.
Either way, I'll pay for it.
Have you heard of The Alchemist?
No. Tell me.
[woman speaking indistinctly on phone]
Hey, man.
What?
[woman speaking indistinctly over PA]
-Get this shit away from me. -Mr. First...
Hey, it's Bruce the First, okay?
Hey, Grandpa, how are you feelin'?
-[grunts] -[cracks]
God hates my guts.
But enough about me. How are you boys holding up?
Charlie's wife left him.
Yeah, we don't know if she...
I mean, she literally left.
-Is that right? -Yeah.
You know boys, I married my best friend.
She was beautiful,
so that certainly helped.
Hannah was my best friend.
We used to stay after school and tell our parents
we were watching football,
but neither of us cared much about sports.
We'd just take the bus downtown and listen to some punk bands all the time.
Charlie, don't waste your years, when your legs still work,
on living in the past.
I was so lucky.
I made my own luck, though, you know.
But they call it that just the same.
♪
[woman speaking indistinctly over PA]
-Can I help you, sir? -Yes, hi.
These are some actual plates and cutlery
and other kitchen bullshits,
so, please use them around here,
and thank you.
Especially for the gentleman in room 422.
Let's class this place up a little bit, okay?
There are grown-ups here.
Sir, these are very short-term stays.
422's just gonna be here until we find him a bed in a nice home somewhere.
422 is a person.
He has a name.
It's Bruce the First.
Let's treat him like one.
Hey honey, can you grab my medical kit?
Hannah?
[water running]
What's up, Benny?
Hey, girl.
Come on.
[sighs]
[punk rock music playing]
I hate you.
[grunting]
♪
Hey!
[panting] Hey.
Bruce moved in with Bruce the First.
He's gonna be his caretaker.
Doesn't he need like a medical license for that?
Oh, no. He got a certificate online.
[both sigh]
What do you wanna do about this thing? [laughs]
I'm gonna fix it. Where's the--
-The tool thing is in-- -The bathroom.
-You're really gonna fi-- Okay. -Okay.
All right, let me watch this.
-Okay... -You're gonna fix a bike?
Yes, I'm going to fix the damn bike.
-Do you need a hand? -No.
I am-- You are going to see me ride this bike.
-I got this. -[Hannah] Oh my God, yeah.
[laughing]
What you gonna do now, Hannah?
I don't know. [chuckling]
I mean, I have...
Well, I've got no job.
I've got... no apartment.
-I don't think I have a husband. -Who knows?
You know what I heard, through the grapevine?
-[Charlie] Tell me. -I heard this little tidbit somewhere,
can't remember where.
Where, Stan Lee, you know that guy?
I think he didn't have success until he was like 39 or 40.
What? [sputters]
-Whoa. Wow. -Blows your mind, doesn't it?
Well, while you figure all this out,
I happen to have a very big apartment.
♪
♪ So tell me, dear, where is it you go from here? ♪
♪ As you curse and peel and pose in tears ♪
♪ Against the wall and across the hall ♪
♪ Across the wards as we both dissolve ♪
♪ I have this habit of punishing things ♪
♪ That move so fast they grow out wings ♪
♪ And sneak through houses as we barter for sleep ♪
Hi.
-Hi. -[Charlie] Come with me.
-What? Why? -[Charlie] Just come with me.
-I wanna show you something. -Hmm? Okay.
♪ And I wish I had you in my lungs ♪
♪ I'd blow you up and block the sun ♪
♪ And save everyone from the brilliant light we've won ♪
Where are we going?
♪ And our bodies got so much clearer ♪
♪ With dirty blood and 30 last calls
♪ So fill it up, spin forever down the walls
♪ I throw it up just to watch it fall ♪
Are we allowed to be here?
No.
Come on!
[Charlie] Hurry!
[Hannah] Whoo!
[Charlie] Come on!
♪
[Hannah shrieks] It's cold!
I fuckin' told you!
[siren whoops]
♪
♪ Do you know what I think about you? ♪
♪ Do you know what I feel is true? ♪
♪ Do you know what I think about her? ♪
♪ I know she thinks about me, I'm sure ♪
♪ I don't know why it's so, but it's true ♪
♪ So you know what I think about you ♪
♪ Do you know what you want me to do? ♪
♪ When you see me staring at you ♪
♪ Do you know what I want you to do? ♪
♪ I don't know why it's so, but it's true ♪
♪ I don't want to have sex with you ♪
♪ I want to be your friend
♪ I want to be with you
♪ I want you to marry me
♪ So you know what I think about you ♪
♪ Do you know that my speed is you? ♪
♪ I know I want you to be my wife ♪
♪ It's you and me for the rest of your life ♪
♪ Do you know?
♪ Do you know what I think about you? ♪
[Man] Yeah, we're still rolling. Let's do it once more.
♪ Do you know what I think about you? ♪
♪ Do you know what I feel that is true? ♪
[Hannah mutters]
♪ Do you know what I think about her? ♪
♪ She thinks about me, I'm sure ♪
♪ I don't know why it's so, but it's true ♪
♪ So you know what I think about you ♪
♪ Do you know what you want me to do? ♪
♪ When you see me staring at you ♪
♪ Do you know what I want you to do? ♪
♪ I don't know why it's so, but it's true ♪
♪ I don't want to have sex with you ♪
♪ I want to be your friend
♪ I want to be with you
♪ I want you to marry me
♪ So you know what I think about you ♪
♪ Do you know what you want me to do? ♪
♪ I know I want you to be my wife ♪
♪ It's you and me for the rest of your life ♪
♪ Do you know, do you know
♪ What I think about you?
♪ Do you know what I think about you? ♪
[cheering]
[fast punk rock music playing]
♪ Nice to see ya, it's been a while ♪
♪ What took you so long to come around? ♪
♪ Hearts are broken every day
♪ Is that what's brought ya back my way? ♪
♪ Don't want to hear you're sorry ♪
♪ Brand new old love
♪ Brand new old love, any day
♪ Brand new old love